To have and to hold?

This is Part III and the final conclusion in a series. If you haven’t read the first two sections please go to:
Part I “Mother’s Day – A love Story”
Part II “A happy childhood and kids of my own someday”

I couldn’t believe my ears. My husband and I had been together for close to 10 years by this time, and married for close to 7. What did he say? He doesn’t want children?

He’s always been afraid of young children and babies. During a family gathering when he was a rambunctious child he did a cartwheel over his baby cousin and landed on the baby. He says he got the beating of his life for that, although his family says he did not and that the baby was unhurt by the incident. Either way, I believe this is the incident in his life that has made him fearful of young children and ultimately of having children of his own.

He also told me at that time, during that very hurtful conversation, that I was all he wanted. I think he’s afraid that our relationship will change if we have children. I also know that he’s very much afraid that being pregnant and or caring for a child will make my health issues worsen.

We went through a very bad time in our relationship as a result of his revelation. I loved him but I wanted him and so much more. I wanted to find out what our children would look like and what their personalities would be. Would they be tall like me, or short like him? Would they have his blue eyes or my hazel eyes? Would they be funny? Musical? Artistic? Happy, serious or easy going? Would I have twins like my sister, and like almost every other female member of my family before me?

He wanted me and only me. He loves me more than anything in this world. He treats me like princess. If I said I was spoiled by my family as a child it is nothing like I have been spoiled as his wife. Almost all of my wants and desires are fulfilled, provided we can afford what I want that is! We are best friends and always will be.

I was hurt for a long time. Many of my friends told me to just go ahead and get pregnant. What could he do about it? No, sorry, I couldn’t do that to him. I respect him, I can’t lie to him.

Eventually we started talking about having kids again. I explained to him, that without us trying to have children, and without him actually wanting us to have kids, I would probably develop more and more of a grudge against him as time went on. That almost perfect relationship that we had would be ruined. I can’t bear to not try, and then end up in my 50’s unable to have children and sit and look at him and resent him for not allowing me to fulfill one of my greatest desires when, by that time, it would be too late.

Around the same time that he had suddenly decided that he didn’t want children he’d been talking with friends and family that had kids. His younger sister was going through a lot of trouble with her oldest child. My sister was having trouble with her twins. Other friends told him that if they could go back they would never have had children. They had no life, no time to themselves. They wished they were like us, able to do what we wanted, able to spend money on ourselves if we chose to pamper ourselves.

My husband can sometimes be easily influenced by the words of others, and I think that was part of what was happening around the time that I really started pushing for a child or to adopt if we continued to be unsuccessful. I never pushed that hard. I always new he had fears of becoming a father. However by the time I reached 35 I knew that we had to get start getting serious about having a child if we were going to have one.

I also didn’t want to end up having a child in my mid 40’s as my parents did. Oh yes, I did have a happy childhood and loving parents, but by the time I turned 12 I also feared that my parents wouldn’t live to see my married, to see me have a child, a house or just to be there for me as I grew older and needed their advice and support. I was more aware of life and death and of how precious time was as a teenager than I should have been. I didn’t want my own child to grow up with those fears, to start to wonder as they approached 30 if their parents would be around when they were 35 or 40.

Last September I had to have some surgery to find out if I had endometriosis. My doctors wanted to rule out any “female” complaints related to my relentless abdominal pain. It turned out that I did indeed have endometriosis. Only a small amount, and no where near my bowels so it was ruled out as a major source of pain, although it did contribute to some of my pain. At that time I was offered medications that would reduce the chances of the endometriosis coming back for a while. Unfortunately these medications, depending which ones are used, can make it difficult or even impossible to become pregnant.

It was apparent last fall that I needed to settle this issue that we were having regarding having children. I explained about the medications, and how I would regret not trying. He admitted that he was less fearful of having a child now, but still worried about my health. I told him that if I do have Crohns the disease might calm down during the pregnancy and I might even get better for a while. Although I’ve also read about crohns people having terrible pregnancies, and or having the disease come back with a vengeance shortly after the birth. I’m willing to take that chance.

Chris has also decided that he would like to try to have kids. He’s still worried about becoming a father, but he’s willing to try. I know he’ll make a good father if we are successful. He’s sweet and loving. If he thought I was enough for him, I just know that if we do manage to have a child his love will expand and he’ll wonder how he existed with only me to love. He’s just that kind of person.

I’m 40 now, which kind of sucks, but it’s not that bad. Due to my health I still don’t know if our efforts will result in failure, but if we try, at least I won’t go into menopause holding a huge grudge against my husband. Although we should have not had the almost 5 year delay that we’ve gone through. I’ve had 4 miscarriages in my life and I’ll assume that there could easily be more.

Unfortunately for Chris, if we are successful the chance of my having twins has probably quadrupled what with my age and family history of twins. Poor guy!

I’m sure there are some people reading this that might think I’m forcing the issue of having a child with my husband. I am not. I’ve waited almost 5 years from the time that he told me, 6 years into our marriage, that he didn’t want children. During that time I’ve been quite hurt. When he told me that he didn’t want children I was stunned and I told him that I probably wouldn’t have ever married him if I’d known that. That’s how important this issue is to me. But I didn’t lie to him, I didn’t deceive him and “accidentally” get pregnant. I waited, and I talked to him and eventually he changed his mind. I just hope it’s not too late.

Perhaps I will be a mother by the time the next Mothers day rolls around. If I am I won’t have people looking apologetically at me after they say “Happy Mothers day” and then realize that I don’t have kids, just as my neighbors daughter in law did to me last Sunday.

Perhaps Mothers day will become a little less sad for me. I’ll still be missing my own lovely mother, that loss will never go away, but if I’m lucky my heart will be less sad and more joyful.