I saw my Occupational Health Doctor at work on Tuesday and he put me off work again for yet another month. I think he might have put me off for longer since it’s clear that my illness and pain have not improved much during my lengthy time off, but, I think he’s bringing me back for an appointment sooner than I expected because he thinks I might be starting to become depressed. He thought I had a bit of a flat effect (not showing much emotion when answering questions, and talking) and was concerned.
I explained to him that I hadn’t slept well the night before. My knee pain makes it almost impossible to find a comfortable position in which to sleep, and well, my abdominal pain does it’s own share of waking me up or keeping me from sleeping too. I also told him that my medical pay had run out and that I was worried about not having any money.
I think I relieved some of his concern, but he still suggested that I go home and take a good long hard look in the mirror and ask myself if I might be depressed. I decided to go one better and make a list of why I don’t think I’m depressed. You tell me what you think, especially if you’ve been visiting my sight for a while now:
I don’t think I’m depressed about my illness because …
1…. I still have hope. I most certainly wish my pain and other symptoms would just magically disappear and that I would feel great, but that’s not happening and I might always have pain and other symptoms of Crohns. I might even become sicker. Yet I have no intention of giving up. There’s a lot of life in me yet, and there’s a lot to live for.
2…. I enjoy life. I laugh every single day – usually several times. It helps that I live with a man who always sees the bright side of things, who almost never gets mad or angry, and who has a good sense of humor.
3…. I have plans. Good plans and boring plans, but plans just the same. Severely depressed people don’t think ahead to the next day let alone the next hour at times. The big plans are upcoming events like the East Indian wedding followed by a catholic ceremony that I’m going to attend in two weeks; and our trip to Chicago at the end of August.
4…. Little things make me happy. Discovering the latest bloom in the garden, especially if it’s from a plant that hasn’t bloomed yet this season, is a joyful event. No, I’m not jumping up and down giddy with excitement, but I’m happy that I’ve succeeded with yet another plant, and I’m often eager to bring my husband outside to show him the new flower.
5…. I enjoy listening to music. Music is supposed to help with pain, I believe some recent studies have indicated that listening to music might cut pain levels by 20% in people who suffer from chronic pain. So, I’ve been listening to music almost every day. However, I often don’t just listen. If it’s a good song I often sing along. It’s not unusual for my husband or boarder to come home and find me belting out the tunes, or even dancing to the music as I move around the house. I’ve been told I have a half decent voice and I guess that’s a good thing or else I’d probably drive them nuts.
6…. Do depressed people paint the inside of their skylight sky blue, and lightly hand paint puffy clouds in it too? The skylight is in our enclosed front porch. I painted it as described above so that even in the winter time when I looked outside through the skylight I’d always see blue sky. That might sound a little silly, but it did turn out well, and visitors to our home seem to like it.
7…. I’m creative. Between starting and writing in four blogs, doing some graphics for others, and slowly renovating my home I think I do a good job at keeping myself busy and keeping my life interesting.
8…. I’m still learning. As you might know I started a photoblog. Well, I’ve been re-reading the manual for my camera and trying out some new techniques. I think my photo skills are improving. If I was really depressed I don’t think I’d be doing that. I try to take some new pictures every day.
9…. I try to stay optimistic. I’m a “the glass is half full” kind of person. I’m not lying around wallowing in my pain. If I did I know I would spiral into a pit of depression. No, I’m trying to be as active as my symptoms will let me. That might only be sitting at my computer trying to think of witty things to write about (not doing such a good job at that lately!), or on better days it might be working in my garden as that makes me feel better.
10…. I want to go back to work. How many times have I written that line on this site? A hundred at least. I love my job! I’m also a little bored after being at home for going on 9 months now. I am a little worried that when I’m feeling well enough to get back to work that I might suddenly start to feel ill again and have to call in sick or miss more time again, but I do want to get back there, and soon.
11…. Ok, now I’m running out of ideas, but really, have you read this site? Look at all the not so great things that I’ve written about in the past month? Bad luck? Yeah- been there, done that – falls resulting in injury, TV not working and costing a fair amount of money to get fixed, stolen items from our front porch etc. Not to mention the nasty medical tests I’ve gone through lately. But did I sound depressed when I wrote about those things? Naahhh it was just life and or something that I had to go through.
12…. I have responsibilities. My husband is my biggest responsibility and reason for going on and not letting things get me down, but making sure our boarder is doing ok and getting fed is on the list too.
13…. Ok that’s it. Does it sound like I’m becoming depressed to you, or does it sound like I’m doing a good job at trying to stay optimistic and carry on?
Please ONLY list your name if you have a recent Thursday Thirteen post
Nope you sound darn healthy emotionally.
I know what you are going through though. I have a long term illness, I got sick at 14, and doctors sometimes wondered if I were depressed. But I was SO NOT depressed. My illness sucked and I desperately wanted to get better, but I was not at all depressed. I had down days. I got frustrated, but I knew that it was just normal situational moods.
You see, my twin sister and older sister suffered from depression. My older sister all her life and my twin from 18 years on. So I knew depression really well and I knew I was not depressed at all. We used to joke that Janice was the one that had something to be depressed about but I was the not depressed one.
UNTIL I got pregnant. At 7 weeks pregnant, as suddenly as the nauseau started, I developed an anxiety disorder. And after I delivered I developed post pardum depression. I still struggle four years later with both anxiety and depression. And I can most certainly say that I was NOT depressed before my pregnancy. Now with total clarity I know what depression is. And it really sucks. Fortunately mine is not severe and my medication really helps. Your list still completely describes me, even though I do have clinical depression. (I suffer more from anxiety than depression, but without meds I am depressed.) I think many depressed people, at least I do, still do enjoy a lot of life. Especially if they are medicated or in treatment. My life is great, although I still have my illness and now sturggle with these other disorders.
Man this must be the longest T13 comment in history – well at least the longest I have left.
Hope it helps.
Ultimately I think that unless someone is in denial, and some people are, a person knows that they are depressed. If you know you are not, and you sure sound like you know, than no worries.
PS – Crohn’s is a brutal disease. I am so sorry for your suffering.
I don’t hear any depression talking in that awesome list!
No your not depressed, your dealing. Hang in there!
Sounds to me like you are in good spirirts — hang in there. Hope you are on the road to wellness soon!
Sounds like you’re dealing with it as best as you can. Don’t give up hope! Happy T13!
Depressed is a matter of levels of depression. 🙂 You can do all these things, and still be depressed. However, may I say DONT go on meds unless you feel you have to. Eat some dark chocolate (more seratonin) and just keep on keepin’ on. I hope you feel lots better very soon.
Your list sounds very upbeat..It does not sound depressed.
I hope you will be able to sleep and rest better.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Have a wonderful Thursday!
My TT is up
#4 for me is key. its the little things that make life funny and pretty and well, sometimes, more chocolatey.
my 13 are up too on my new blog
http://www.everythingshouldbefun.blogspot.com
OK, Tricia…I think maybe, if anything, you are just tired. I do NOT think you are depressed. But when you have purposed to continue on with life in spite of adversity, that is alot of work. And with pain, you probably aren’t sleeping well all the time. I think you are doing a stellar job. I must confess I ddin’t realize all this was going on until today, but I am going to keep you in my prayers that the docs are able to get this under control. Keep up your great outlook.:-)
Based on this one post? I’d say it sounds like you make a concerted effort to have a pretty rosy outlook on life. I mean really – blue skies AND puffy clouds? That’s rosy!
Of course, I don’t actually know you, but it sounds like you’ve gone through a lot with your illness and are keeping a very healthy attitude throughout everything. The skylight with the clouds sounds amazing 🙂
Oh, I do hope that you are able to regain your life. I have had daily migrainees for over 2 years. There isnt any medical reason that they can find for the headaches, and I do have a suspicion that they have to do with stress or something like that….I too hold out hope. I will add you to my prayers.
My list is up
With #11, sounds like you have a good outlook on life, regardless of what you have or are going through.
My TT is up.
It sounds like you’ve analyzed the defenition of depression and how it applies to you and you don’t feel depressed. I sometimes think the word is over used and over diagnosed. People I know who have been depressed aren’t able to laugh, get out of bed, see beauty each day or have a normal sense of life. I can understand your disappointment with not being able to go back to work. I’ve been out on disability for the past three months and I am getting kind of antsy. You sound wonderful to me. Keep up the good work.
Toodles, Maryanne