My aunt died a couple of weeks ago. I never said anything because I was feeling bad that I couldn’t go to her funeral. My husband couldn’t get the time off work to drive to Ottawa and my older brother who’d I normally get a lift with in cases like this was working out of town at a convention so he couldn’t go to the funeral either.
Yes I could have gone on my own or perhaps taken a bus with my sister, but it was just too far to travel with my health being as poor as it is these days.
So earlier today I got a call from my cousin – my aunts niece. Her mother was my aunts sister and both of these ladies happened to have married my fathers brothers so there’s a very tight connection between those two families.
Anyway .. I digress. My cousin is still very torn up about the death of my aunt. She was present when my aunt died and she proceeded to tell me just about every detail. This being only eight days from the 5 year anniversary of my mothers death (Aug 28th) made hearing details that were reminiscent of what I experienced with my mother made me really sad.
It also made me angry. This was the cousin that told me so many times how close she was to my mother, yet in the three months that my mother was in the hospital dying she could bear to bring herself to visit her because it would just be too hard. Now she’s wallowing in her sorrow and feeling traumatized over what she witnessed and experienced with my aunt.
I’m angry at her for deserting my mom and I guess deserting my brothers, sister and myself yet calling today and discussing stuff that she had to have known would make me think of my own mother and everything that I experienced five years ago.
Chris and I were the only ones able to be with my mom when she died and I’ll never forget that experience. Yet it was marred by the fact that I was trying to call my only brother who happened to live in Ottawa to tell him our mother was dying and he said to me “Oh the doctors think that all the time- they’re probably wrong” and, as I sat by my mom’s beside watching her moan and in pain and go through Cheyne Stoke breathing patterns (that awful gasping or lack of breathing for a moment followed by a gasp that makes you think over and over again the the person has just passed), I said to him “I’m a nurse, I’ve been with people when they’ve been dying. Our mom is dying. Leave work and come to the hospital”. He still didn’t believe me and didn’t come until I had to call him back and tell him that she had died.
This whole conversation with my cousin this afternoon not only left me feeling down and depressed all day but it also made me realize that I’m still very angry with my brother. I’m mad at him for what he did when my mom lay dying before me and for several things that happened later. I thought that I had finally let it go, but I guess I haven’t and I think now that I probably never will.
So … I guess I’m having a bad day. Oh and the migraine that I was suffering from a week or so ago seems to be back. Ughh.
The one thing that I did learn today that I didn’t know was that my aunt was a big traveler. I knew that, but I didn’t know that she’d seen every US State! She completed her mission just at the end of May this year when she went on one of those Alaskan cruises with her two sisters (0ne of whom is my other aunt – I guess my only aunt now on my dads side of the family). I’m not sure if she saw all of Canada. I didn’t think to ask, but I suspect that she didn’t see every province and territory.
Have you had a death in the family that because of the actions of others left you with bad feelings that you might not ever be able to forgive or forget?
You know, my cousin made me feel so bad thanks to her bring up memories and feelings that I try to keep buried that I was more depressed than I ever get with my Crohn’s and other complaints that make me feel ill almost every single day. Thanks cousin.
Oh Tricia. I wish I could give you a hug.
*virtual hugs* for you Tricia, because you certainly sound like you need them.
I’ll be off to a cousin’s funeral next Wednesday, and will have to read something.
This post makes me realize how lucky I am to get along with my brother and sisters. It’s really nothing to take for granted, is it?
The loss of someone we care about is hard for everyone. Even so, no one grieves quite the same as another. When you called to alarm your brother of your mother’s condition, I suspect he might have gotten some news he was not ready to face. I also suspect that it never dawned on your cousin that she was calling you on the near anniversary of your mother’s death — she was too busy trying to cope with her own grief to think about anyone else.
It is easy to become offended when we place expectations upon the behaviors of others and they don’t come through for us. But we ought to remember how individual the grieving process is and give others the grace to respond in their own ways while working through such a heart-wrenching thing as death.
I am sorry for the loss of both your mother and your aunt. Your brother and cousin are both still here to cultivate relationships and memories with. I hope you will allow them the latitude to work through their own grief the best they know how. It would be a shame for you to carry this grudge against them on for even a moment longer. You will only wound yourself again each time you entertain the thoughts of why you became offended.
I wish you all the best and many happy years reminiscing the good times shared with one another.
My Mother died of cancer 15 years ago and I remember at the time being really annoyed with certain close members of the family that seldom if ever visited her in the hospice where she eventually passed away.
But then I realised that some people can’t deal with the scenario of someone dying – they just can’t take it . When my mother was lying there, I saw through the ravages of her illness and what I saw was still my Mother . But there are other people that only see the distressing effects of the disease and it spooks them .The more you love someone, the more you can see through these ravages to the real person who’s still your loved one lying there. But no-one said it was easy . Take comfort from the fact that you had the strength to support your Mother right till the end – I’m sure she did.
And remember sometimes being angry is a good way of deflecting sadness – just don’t let it embitter you .
In moments like this, I do not even know what to say to you. Condolences for your mum’s death! I would like to give you a hug and to tell you something to comfort you. But I do not know what to say.
Tricia: One persona can not make you feel bad. One person can say whatever she needs to, and you get to choose how to feel about that. You chose to feel bad.
I can only imagine what it is to lose a Mom. Mine is 68 and not hugely healthy so we know that time is not on our side. My heart and soul goes out to you. You need to heal, and you also need to forgive your cousin. Your feelings make you feel bad, but they don’t change the situation. 🙂
Shelley
Death is so hard, and people do crazy things when loved ones die. I’ve had a hard time sticking to my law which says, “never pay attention to anything anyone says at a wedding, funeral, or during a move.”
My uncle is married to the devil, and she works her evil any time the rest of us are forced to be around her. She made my grandfather’s funeral a nightmare for everyone. For months I would just think of her and want to stick spiders up her nose. Just for starters she wouldn’t let my sister sit with the family and she locked me out of my grandparents’ house (I grew up there). Sheesh. (think calming thoughts, let blood pressure go back down….)
At some point you have to find a way to let it go, not for their sake but for your own. My aunt is a case in point: she likes causing trouble. The less I let her bother me, the more it “heaps burning coals on her head.”
I remember when I lost my dad people did not know what to say and others kept away because they were scared of not knowing what to say. When you love someone it is hard to let go and even after all these years I have not let go. It is about keeping them close in your heart and remembering all the good times. It will get easier as time goes by but never forget them, they were and still are a part of your life, I wish you well