Family – Page 40

To have and to hold?

May 19, 2006 by Tricia

This is Part III and the final conclusion in a series. If you haven’t read the first two sections please go to:
Part I “Mother’s Day – A love Story”
Part II “A happy childhood and kids of my own someday”

I couldn’t believe my ears. My husband and I had been together for close to 10 years by this time, and married for close to 7. What did he say? He doesn’t want children?

He’s always been afraid of young children and babies. During a family gathering when he was a rambunctious child he did a cartwheel over his baby cousin and landed on the baby. He says he got the beating of his life for that, although his family says he did not and that the baby was unhurt by the incident. Either way, I believe this is the incident in his life that has made him fearful of young children and ultimately of having children of his own.

He also told me at that time, during that very hurtful conversation, that I was all he wanted. I think he’s afraid that our relationship will change if we have children. I also know that he’s very much afraid that being pregnant and or caring for a child will make my health issues worsen.

We went through a very bad time in our relationship as a result of his revelation. I loved him but I wanted him and so much more. I wanted to find out what our children would look like and what their personalities would be. Would they be tall like me, or short like him? Would they have his blue eyes or my hazel eyes? Would they be funny? Musical? Artistic? Happy, serious or easy going? Would I have twins like my sister, and like almost every other female member of my family before me?

He wanted me and only me. He loves me more than anything in this world. He treats me like princess. If I said I was spoiled by my family as a child it is nothing like I have been spoiled as his wife. Almost all of my wants and desires are fulfilled, provided we can afford what I want that is! We are best friends and always will be.

I was hurt for a long time. Many of my friends told me to just go ahead and get pregnant. What could he do about it? No, sorry, I couldn’t do that to him. I respect him, I can’t lie to him.

Eventually we started talking about having kids again. I explained to him, that without us trying to have children, and without him actually wanting us to have kids, I would probably develop more and more of a grudge against him as time went on. That almost perfect relationship that we had would be ruined. I can’t bear to not try, and then end up in my 50’s unable to have children and sit and look at him and resent him for not allowing me to fulfill one of my greatest desires when, by that time, it would be too late.

Around the same time that he had suddenly decided that he didn’t want children he’d been talking with friends and family that had kids. His younger sister was going through a lot of trouble with her oldest child. My sister was having trouble with her twins. Other friends told him that if they could go back they would never have had children. They had no life, no time to themselves. They wished they were like us, able to do what we wanted, able to spend money on ourselves if we chose to pamper ourselves.

My husband can sometimes be easily influenced by the words of others, and I think that was part of what was happening around the time that I really started pushing for a child or to adopt if we continued to be unsuccessful. I never pushed that hard. I always new he had fears of becoming a father. However by the time I reached 35 I knew that we had to get start getting serious about having a child if we were going to have one.

I also didn’t want to end up having a child in my mid 40’s as my parents did. Oh yes, I did have a happy childhood and loving parents, but by the time I turned 12 I also feared that my parents wouldn’t live to see my married, to see me have a child, a house or just to be there for me as I grew older and needed their advice and support. I was more aware of life and death and of how precious time was as a teenager than I should have been. I didn’t want my own child to grow up with those fears, to start to wonder as they approached 30 if their parents would be around when they were 35 or 40.

Last September I had to have some surgery to find out if I had endometriosis. My doctors wanted to rule out any “female” complaints related to my relentless abdominal pain. It turned out that I did indeed have endometriosis. Only a small amount, and no where near my bowels so it was ruled out as a major source of pain, although it did contribute to some of my pain. At that time I was offered medications that would reduce the chances of the endometriosis coming back for a while. Unfortunately these medications, depending which ones are used, can make it difficult or even impossible to become pregnant.

It was apparent last fall that I needed to settle this issue that we were having regarding having children. I explained about the medications, and how I would regret not trying. He admitted that he was less fearful of having a child now, but still worried about my health. I told him that if I do have Crohns the disease might calm down during the pregnancy and I might even get better for a while. Although I’ve also read about crohns people having terrible pregnancies, and or having the disease come back with a vengeance shortly after the birth. I’m willing to take that chance.

Chris has also decided that he would like to try to have kids. He’s still worried about becoming a father, but he’s willing to try. I know he’ll make a good father if we are successful. He’s sweet and loving. If he thought I was enough for him, I just know that if we do manage to have a child his love will expand and he’ll wonder how he existed with only me to love. He’s just that kind of person.

I’m 40 now, which kind of sucks, but it’s not that bad. Due to my health I still don’t know if our efforts will result in failure, but if we try, at least I won’t go into menopause holding a huge grudge against my husband. Although we should have not had the almost 5 year delay that we’ve gone through. I’ve had 4 miscarriages in my life and I’ll assume that there could easily be more.

Unfortunately for Chris, if we are successful the chance of my having twins has probably quadrupled what with my age and family history of twins. Poor guy!

I’m sure there are some people reading this that might think I’m forcing the issue of having a child with my husband. I am not. I’ve waited almost 5 years from the time that he told me, 6 years into our marriage, that he didn’t want children. During that time I’ve been quite hurt. When he told me that he didn’t want children I was stunned and I told him that I probably wouldn’t have ever married him if I’d known that. That’s how important this issue is to me. But I didn’t lie to him, I didn’t deceive him and “accidentally” get pregnant. I waited, and I talked to him and eventually he changed his mind. I just hope it’s not too late.

Perhaps I will be a mother by the time the next Mothers day rolls around. If I am I won’t have people looking apologetically at me after they say “Happy Mothers day” and then realize that I don’t have kids, just as my neighbors daughter in law did to me last Sunday.

Perhaps Mothers day will become a little less sad for me. I’ll still be missing my own lovely mother, that loss will never go away, but if I’m lucky my heart will be less sad and more joyful.

Happy Childhood and kids of my own someday?

May 16, 2006 by Tricia

I suppose it’s time I write my follow up to Mother’s Day – A love Story.

My family before I came along

I had a very happy childhood. Yes, there are things I could complain about, but compared to many other peoples childhood horror stories, my life was perfect.

I had loving parents that provide a stable home life – a roof over our heads, plenty of love and care, and there was nothing that I needed that I lacked.

Yes, they did deny me some of the things that I wanted, but I believe that was good parenting. They taught me to respect what I had, and to earn what I wanted.

I also had three older brothers and an older sister to care for me and spend time with me.

I don’t remember much about my oldest brother. He was after all nearly 20 when I was born and moved out of the house within a year or two. Our relationship has never been all that close and that’s likely because of the major difference in our ages and the fact that he wasn’t around that much while I was growing up.

My second oldest brother was great. I can remember him taking me skating, skiing, playing golf (well, I sort of caddied for him when he played golf with his friends), hiking, canoeing, tobogganing.

My brother Laurie and Me

We did all the fun sporty stuff together. I saw him repeat the same things with his own children. Always being a big part of their lives. In fact he was the first of my siblings to become a father.

My youngest, but still much older brother, is the most like me.

We just seem to think alike.

It was always easy to be around him and have fun with him and it still is. I think all my siblings feel the same way about him, as he’s just a great guy.

My sister before I came along, praying for a boy perhaps?

My sister wanted a baby sister so badly that while my mom was pregnant she told everyone that she wanted a brother. She says now that you never get what you wish for and that’s why she wished for a boy. I guess she was right because I most certainly am a girl!

My parent either felt that I was going to be a boy or that my sister was a handful and they wanted the new baby to be a boy, because they had a boy name picked out for me. Luckily both of my names easily converted into a female name.

My mom and I. I think I was about 20 in this picture.

By the time I was nine all my siblings had moved out of the house. That was a strange feeling. I’d come from a relatively large family and now it seemed like I was an only child. To say I was spoiled would not be an understatement. However I did know that I was spoiled to some degree. I also knew what sacrifices my parents had made to scrimp and save to get to the position of financial security that they were now enjoying. As I said earlier, I had everything I needed – but my parents didn’t let me get away with too much on my wants. Still, compared to how my siblings were raised – passing down clothing from one to the other, various meals made with hamburger (whereas I usually had steak), they considered me spoiled.

As the youngest, with so much older brothers and a sister, I got to observe many of the pro’s and con’s of life through their mistakes and successes. Luckily my siblings did well for themselves and their families and there were few terrible mistakes along the way. I got to see how they reacted to parenthood and marriage, how they raised their children, and along the way I developed a strong desire to have my own children one day.

I had hoped to start a family by the time I was 25 years old or so. That didn’t happen. I wasn’t even married by that time, but I was with the man who did become my husband a couple years short of my goal. I just knew I would make a good mother, after all I’d seen all of the successful things that my siblings and my friends by this time, had done right and unfortunately some of the things that had gone wrong. I wouldn’t make the mistakes that I had seen and I would hope to be as successful in bringing up a child or two as say my brother had been.

Maybe I’ve been too sure of myself, so sure I’d make a good parent. Maybe I jinxed myself. Why? Well, this is the other reason why mothers day makes me sad. I am still not a mother.

I’ve had four pregnancies. One occurred when I was only 19 years old. Oops! But all have ended in miscarriage. I think I’ve had trouble having a successful pregnancy due to my health problems. Both thyroid disease and inflammatory bowel disease can mess up your system and make it harder to become pregnant and or maintain a pregnancy. I had a pre-cancerous tumor on my thyroid when I was 21, and now as a result of surgery have very little thyroid left and have to take synthetic thyroid hormones. The dr.’s also believe that I have Crohn’s disease but have yet to fully diagnose this disorder. Crohn’s affects your digestive system and amongst other complications it can make you not absorb nutrients properly. As a result my folic acid levels are often low, and unfortunately folic acid is very important towards maintaining a pregnancy and in having a healthy baby.

All that is bad enough, but, I happened to have married a man to whom I thought wanted children as much as I did. When I was 35 and we weren’t having much success I brought up the subject of possibly adopting a child. To my surprise and horror he ended up telling me at that time that he really didn’t want children.

To be continued, come back for part III tomorrow …

Mothers Day – A love Story

May 14, 2006 by Tricia

Mom and Dad, probably taken shortly after my dad returned home from the war in 1945.

I find Mothers day makes me sad these days. There are two reasons why I find Mothers day and all the advertisements and posts on the web a little bit more than I can endure.

One major reason is that I no longer have a mother. My mother passed away in August of 2003 after a two month long fight with bowel, adrenal gland, and brain cancer. She was 81 years old. Considering her age, there’s a good chance that even if she hadn’t got cancer she still might not be here today. My father passed away in December of 2001.

My parents were both very special people. They were older when they had me. My dad was 45 and my mother was 43. My oldest brother was almost 20 and my sister who is the next youngest to me, was almost 10. My parents always called me their special child because I was very unexpected. I like to think that because they had a child when they were a bit older (not so rare. these days but in the mid 60’s it was very uncommon) I kept them young at heart. In fact they both out lived every one of their siblings in their large families.

I’m still discovering things about them, even now, as I go through the old family photo’s and find postcards that my dad sent to my mom during the war, and pictures that my mom sent to my dad to cheer him up. They were very much in love, especially when they were first married.

I don’t believe that they had a long courtship. I’m unsure when they met but I do know that it was at a dance. My mother had turned down another man who had offered to take her to the dance and she went with one of her friends instead. At the dance, my father saw my mother and asked her to dance with him. At first she said no, but she eventually relented and danced with him. That was the start of a romance that would last just short of 60 years.

I think they might have met in June of 1942. They got married August, 7th, 1942 and 7 days later my dad was sent off to war.

Don’t you just love the uniform?

Throughout my fathers stay overseas he sent her postcards, birthday cards, letters and Christmas cards. All declaring his love for her and the hope that when he returned home their life together would begin. I will scan some of these postcards- perhaps for fathers day. They are so sweet. I never knew my dad was so in love with my mother. I mean, I knew they loved each other, but by the time I came along their relationship was more of a comfortable routine. It was only in their last 15 years together or so that I started to see how much they really cared about each other. When I found the postcards my father had sent I was both shocked and overwhelmingly surprised at the love that poured out of him in his letters.

While my dad was away my mother lived with my fathers father, and his sister. She sent my dad some pin-up worthy pictures of herself. Unfortunately I don’t have them all scanned yet, but heres a peek:

The point of my story is that I grew up in a very loving house with parents and siblings that loved me more than anything. Both of my parents had special qualities but I suppose being a girl I was always closer to my mother. I did go through a rebellious stage, but because I had realized how much older my parents were than everyone else parents, and as a result, realized that I might not have them as long as my friends would have theirs, I developed a deep respect, and yes a friendship with each of them.

My mother was my friend. I talked to her everyday, especially after my father died. We supported each other through hard times, and laughed together during the good times. I learned a lot from her, but the most important thing I learned was to be strong and to believe in myself. I miss you mom, but I cherish your memory and all that you gave me.

I’ll tell you the other reason why mothers day makes me feel sad tomorrow in Part II. But I will re-assure anyone who might be worried about me- I’m fine. This holiday doesn’t fill me with joy, but I’m functioning quite well. I just wish I could talk with my mom on such a special day.

Mothers Day

May 2, 2006 by Tricia

Mother’s Day is just around the corner on May 14th. It is a day where we take some time to thank the person that brought us into this world and/or cared for us when we were young, and even when we are grown up. How do you plan to celebrate the occasion? Are you a mother who is expecting a treat or gifts? Or do you plan to visit your own mother and make her day special?

My mother has unfortunately passed on, and this day makes me somewhat sad. When my mother was alive though, we would always try to get together with her and either cook her a wonderful dinner or take her out someplace special. I miss her, but I will remember all the good things about her on that day.

My husbands mother is still around. I’m not sure what we are doing yet. I know we are all getting together the following weekend since my husbands brother is coming for a visit from Chicago. I’m looking forward to that. Tim is so fun to be around. I’m sure we’ll get into some kind of trouble! He likes to party.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on Mothers day and on how you plan on celebrating it.

Flowers are always a great gift idea for Mothers day – I found a great site on the internet with exceptional selections of Mothers day flowers and Mothers day gift ideas called DotFlowers. Their Monticello Rose Bouquet or Abundant Glory Arrangements are beautiful and sure to impress.

I remember reading a post a while back that argued that not all mothers deserve to have this special day in honor of them because they are not or were not good mothers. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this as to why your mother does or doesn’t deserve this special day of honor.

May the Force be with you

May 1, 2006 by Tricia

I’ve spent the last three days with my immediate family and I’ve come to the realization that we all have a very unique sense of humor, and it seems that my niece has inherited it.

My very first niece got married this weekend.

It was the first marriage of a niece or nephew from within my family, the first from her mothers side, and from her new grooms family too, so it was very special. But of course all weddings are special.

I really wasn’t sure how I’d feel about her wedding.

I hadn’t mentioned this before but for some reason I really don’t like weddings.

I think that’s probably fairly rare for a woman to feel that way, but I do. I don’t know why I feel this way either, but weddings tend to make me feel sad.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m very happy for Petra and I’m sure she’s going to have a long and happy marriage because her new husband is just the nicest man and head over heals in love with her.

I was also very excited to be going to her wedding, but I think I thought I’d feel sad at her wedding. My parents have both passed away in the last few years and I thought this would contribute to my emotions, because I know they would have loved nothing more than to see our beautiful Petey get married.

But I was wrong! I had the best time.

I was a bit emotional when I first saw her walking down the aisle on my brothers arm, but it was pure happiness for her. She was just gorgeous too! I don’t have any children of my own yet, and due to my illness there is a chance that I never will. So I suppose I feel that all my nephews and nieces are my babies too.

Maybe that’s why this wedding didn’t make me feel sad, and instead made me feel so happy. A very special person within my family was starting life with her new husband.

The wedding took place outside at a lovely Country Club. It was sunny but the wind was a little cool. The bride and groom and wedding party stood on a rocky outcropping near a very large pond or perhaps a small lake. Swans swam in the water nearby, and Canadian geese flew in the background. It was as close to perfect as any wedding can be.

I uploaded several pictures to my flickr account if you’d care to view them.

Regarding that unique sense of humor gene that my niece must have inherited? Guess what music they played at the end of the ceremony as they walked down the aisle as husband and wife? The theme from Star Wars! It was the last thing anyone expected and it was hilarious!

Petra didn’t tell her mother before hand what music was going to be played because she was afraid her mom would try to veto it, and she’s probably right.

She’s been a Star Wars fan since she was a child. I’m not sure how she gained her interest since the first three movies were already several years old by the time she was born. Either way, as odd as the music was to hear at the end of a ceremony – it was fitting in it’s own way.

The reception took place at the same Country Club as the ceremony. We were treated to a huge assortment of hor’dourves while the wedding party had photographs taken. Mussels, squid, pastries, salads and on and on. Then we sat down to a dinner that started with a lovely salad, then an entree of roasted chicken, fillet Mignon and vegetables, followed by French pastries.

Near the end of the evening a small room was set up with several types of deserts, assorted fruit and a chocolate fountain. I never made it into the room so I’m not sure what all the goodies were, but I heard they were delicious.

I danced all night. The music was great. I think everyone except my own husband danced that night.

I also felt pretty good up until just before midnight. By this I mean I didn’t feel totally healthy all day, but I felt well enough to let go and enjoy myself. I’m glad that I was able to enjoy myself for most of the evening because I think I really needed to have some fun.

Then midnight rolled around and my tummy decided it had, had enough, so after some lengthy good-byes we left and got back to our hotel room by about 1 a.m. The reception ended at 1:30 anyway, so we didn’t miss much.

The wedding cake wasn’t really a cake at all. Another twist – It was perhaps a couple hundred cupcakes layered on top of each other to look something like a three or four tiered wedding cake.

The following day, Sunday, the immediate family went to my brother and sister-in-laws home. The new bride and groom joined us for brunch and the opening of the gifts.

If you look at the pictures that I uploaded you’ll see some with the bride and groom surrounded by gifts. Many of the gifts in the background of the picture were from the showers that were held prior to the wedding and were already opened, and then there were the wedding gifts.

One of the best gifts was perhaps from my brother Terry and his wife Rene, who live in Vancouver. They gave the new couple a week from their time-share to use for their honeymoon. I thought that was sweet.

Now for the oddest part. The new couple purchased a house about two years ago. A house that was to be built in a new housing development. The home was supposed to be finished by September 2005, then the closing date was pushed back to December, then I believe May 2006. Well … it’s still not finished. The new completion date is sometime in July!

I suppose it doesn’t make too much sense for the new couple to rent a place for only a couple of months before their home is complete (if it ever is), so they are going to continue on as they have been doing for the last year. By this I mean the groom will continue to live at his parents house, and my niece Petra will continue to live at her parents home.

Petra would occasionally go to Kris’ parents and stay there for a few days each week, and I guess that will continue, but until their home is complete they will not officially be living together as a couple.

This just doesn’t seem right. I can see a delay of perhaps as much as two months for a newly built home, but 10 months or more? No way.

I’ll save my tale of this evenings events for tomorrows posting.

To have and to hold?

Happy Childhood and kids of my own someday?

Mothers Day – A love Story

Mothers Day

May the Force be with you

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