Breaking news! Johnny Depp star of Pirates of the Caribbean, the best movie of all time as reported by Timely Magazine, News Week monthly and Interterrestrial current events, has just completed a news conference declaring that he will run for King of North America.
His campaign, set to begin at 11:17 pm this evening, will be filmed 24 hours a day and broadcast live over the internet on kingme.com. For those who can’t continuously watch the internet broadcast there will be a DVD with the greatest cuts of from his campaign. You’ll be able to rent a dvd, a new episode, each week as his 67 day campaign to become king of North America progresses.
A little known fact is that his campaign actually began with the first installment of the Pirates of the Caribbean Trilogy. Play the first movie backwards, at quadruple high speed and you’ll hear all of his campaign promises.
The 20 minute initial campaign speech begins at the end of the movie, and of course ends at the beginning which is why it must be played backwards to see and hear the speech. In his speech, he promises that all forms of taxation will end, and that citizens of his new kingdom will only have to work one day each week. Health care will of course be free to all!
The only thing that some people might not like is that it will be Dress Like a Pirate day 365 days a year from now on. Well, once he becomes King of North America that is. I know I’ll simply love that, but some of you might not. I mean, you have to dress exactly like Jack Sparrow every day. Oh and you’ll have to coordinate your outfit with what the King is wearing each day as well. So if he wears his sword to the left yours must be to the left, If his hair is dread locked yours must be too and so on. You must watch all three of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies in order to comply with each days dress code as it will apparently correspond to the movies in an order that is yet to be revealed.
Punishment for not complying with the “Dress like a pirate” day rules will be severe. Those who fail to pass muster will be taken to an under water cave filled with skeletal ghost pirates. You will then have to battle these scurvy skeletal pirates in order to redeem yourself and get back to the surface world. You will also need to bring back the gold coin that will be assigned to you when you complete your under water underworld mission. Again, you must watch the Pirates of the Caribbean Trilogy in order to learn the secrets that will get you out of this underwater prison. It’s only the best movie Evah’ so why wouldn’t you watch it anyway?
Oh wait … I’ve just heard that Johnny Depp will be campaigning against Interterrestrial movie star Chewbacca for King of North America. This could be a momentous race to watch.
Who new that the best movie ever created in our time would become a lead in to an extraordinary campaign for King of North America by Johnny Depp?
Don’t forget to vote!
Can you please let me know when Pirates stop being cool, so I can go outside again?