Did you know that throwing a surprise party for your beloved might be the death of him or her?

To quell a recent surge in party mortality, the U.S. Medical Birthday Council has released urgent guidelines for safe surprising. Medical Birthday Council? Uhm how much tax payer money goes into this council?

Here’s their guidelines:

“Hugs given after the surprise should be firm and rhythmic, to support heart action and prevent cardiac arrest,” said council chairman Lance Champion, M.D., Ph.D. – I can see some men out there taking advantage of this guideline.

“And for total confidence that a loved one will survive till his next surprise party, we urge cardiac catheterization throughout the festivities,” Dr. Champion added.

During this procedure, doctors penetrate the femoral artery in the honored guest’s groin, and open arterial blockages with a tiny balloon.

“Some patients request an animal shape, and most accomplished surgeons will be happy to oblige,” Dr. Champion said.

The council also recommends keeping candles away from the birthday boy’s oxygen tubes, and stripping stimulants, like caffeine and chocolate, from the menu.

“Or just throw your next party right at the hospital,” Dr. Champion said. “Show your loved one how intensively you care.”

Ok is this for real or is this a joke?